Take this job and shove it

It is official . . . I am now an anesthesiologist. As of 7:00 AM yesterday morning, I have completed all the requirements of an anesthesiology residency. I am now what we call "Board eligible," because I still have to take my anesthesiology board exam, which, if I pass, will make me "Board certified," which just means that I passed the test. Either way, I can now practice anesthesiology.

As evidenced by the countdown over there, my official stop date is June 30, but I saved my vacation days, and took a "terminal vacation" at the end of residency, so I AM DONE!!!! I have been waiting for this day for 4 years (maybe even more). All month/week, I have been counting the days until the end. It has been 4 years of . . . I don't even know what to call it . . . a mix of torture, turmoil, hard work, shame, pride, satisfaction, humbling. And now it's over. I am not quite sure who I am anymore. Certainly more knowledgeable about anesthesia, but have I lost part of myself? After having dealt with demanding physicians, nurses, administrators, and patients, I have developed a thicker skin, but does it also make me more callous? Less sensitive? More cynical? Probably.

I got through this program with the help of my family. My husband has been so amazingly supportive, and my children have brought so much joy to my life, that I was able to put my work into perspective -be reminded of what is important in life. The core of who I am is the same because of them, thick skin or not.


I also got through this program with the help of some true gems at work, the CRNAs and the nurses. They are part of the reason I can develop a thick skin without hardening over completely. As hostile as they can be toward students and residents, it makes it even more special when one of them takes the time to tell you that you are doing a good job, or that working with you makes for a good day, or that they will miss working with you. Chris, Tiffany, Mary Ellen, Grace, and Charlie are three great co-workers who made me feel human at work, who treated me as a person who still had feelings, and not treat me like I am just a work horse. They asked me about my family, about myself, my interests. They made it bearable to get through each day, and I am so grateful they were a part of my training.

I received my nursing evaluations yesterday. I post the comments here, not because I am trying to toot my own horn, but because it is what made me cry on my last day of residency. This is part of why I do what I do: "It is always nice to arrive in the morning and see that she is in your [operating] room. " "I would be very comfortable being under her care or recommending her to a family member."

I also cried after I talked with one of my attendings. Throughout my whole anesthesia residency, he made me feel like sh*t. He would make snide remarks about techniques, ask me sarcastic questions about my anesthetic plan for a patient, and pimp me mercilessly until I finally answered, "I don't know," to questions that I knew for sure like, "What is your name?" My last day of residency, I was on call with him. It happened to be a quiet night (rare), so he, the CRNA, the other resident, and I ordered pizza, and watched movies (a rarer event, indeed). By the end of the movie, it was just him and me left. He asked me how much more time I had left, to which I replied, "Six and half hours." He then went on to tell me how much better things will be once residency is over. Then he said that I would do fine out there, and wished me luck. I thanked him, and we parted. I got into the elevator to take to my call room. As the doors to the elevator closed, my eyes welled up, and I started to cry. All these years, I questioned my ability to perform anesthesia because of the things he said. I thought about quitting because of him. I dreaded the days I had to work with him, and froze at times when he put the pressure on me. And now, at this moment, I felt like I had been given the seal approval. "Inspected by p8678," should have been stamped on my forehead, the way I was feeling at that moment.

Perhaps the most emotional part of leaving residency is saying goodbye to my classmates. We have gone through so much that no one else quite understands but other residents. We are like siblings, we squabble and disagree, but we get each other, and are the most sympathetic to each other's plights, but also the most demanding of each other's efforts. I am truly blessed to have had good fellow residents, two in particular, Jason and Erin, whom I called/paged every time I had some venting to do. Although we will keep in touch, it will never be the same.

I am excited to move onto the next phase of my life. The husband and I have a full summer planned for us and the children. Stay tuned for more news soon . . .