Last night I had a dream that I was at a party hanging out with Dermot. He was actually hanging out with one group of people, while I was hanging out with another. I was thinking to myself, "Eeeeeh! I'm in the same room as Dermot Mulroney! Well, it turned out that he had no interest in me (I know, I know, hard to believe. But it was my dream after all). He was hitting on a bunch of other women in the room, kind of like his character in Must Love Dogs. Maybe I am better off without him.
I am finishing up the end of my CA-1 year of residency (which stands for clinical anesthesia-1), and I am feeling pretty good about my chosen profession. Although now that I have written that, I am certain I have invited bad spirits to make me reconsider. The next year of residency starts July 1. I signed my new contract today- yikes! Now I am legally bound to stay another year. I am nervous about next year, as my new rotations will no doubt be more challenging, and I am now expected to be more responsible, knowledgeable, and just have my sh*t together. And I truly don't know if I can live up to it without having a nervous breakdown.
I am on a relatively easy rotation right now- Ambulatory Surgery, which means the patients are relatively healthy, and they plan to go home the same day as surgery. I really like it so far. Like I said, the patients are healthy, and giving them anesthesia is fairly straight forward. It is so much better than in the main hospital OR, where the patients have multiple medical problems (high blood pressure, diabetes, history of smoking, etc) that make anesthetizing them pretty scary, keeping me on the edge of my seat with each breath they take. Anyway, Ambulatory has been great, which is probably why I'm feeling better about my career choice. I just hope that I continue to enjoy the rest of my rotations. After all, I am half way through residency!
Last week, my husband, kids, and I went to visit my parents. My sisters were there, too. We all went to the American Museum of Natural History. It was great. My son is all into dinosaurs, so he went from one exhibit to another, and just couldn't get enough. Even my 2 year old daughter had fun walking around, pushing buttons on the talking exhibits, even though she had no idea what they were saying (I didn't either, for that matter!). We didn't get to see the whole thing since the kids (okay, and the adults, too) got pretty tuckered out after a few hours.
During our visit to my parents, we also looked at potential places to live. My husband and I are very excited about the idea of moving "back home." We miss the city. We miss the beach. We miss the culture. We miss our parents. After this last visit, I really got to thinking about how old they are getting, and how we really need to be there for them. Their health is starting to fail them, and they will one day need to be taken care of. Luckily, my parents are pretty open about talking about this topic, and I have a good idea of what they want toward the end of their life. I don't necessarily agree with what they want, but at least I know what their wishes are. It makes me so sad to think about life without them. My kids are just getting to know them, which is part of the reason I want to move closer to our parents, so that the kids know their grandparents. I never really knew mine. And when I see how much my children love my parents, and how much my parents love my children, I realize how much I missed out on. When we left my parents', my kids didn't want to go. It pleased me because I realized how much they all loved being together. I remember when I was a young kid (at least 5, but not yet 10), my grandparents visited us from the Philippines. They stayed with us for quite a while (I don't remember how long). When they left, I felt this huge emptiness around me. I went into the bedroom that they had stayed in and found some candles that they had used. I remember tears rolling down my face as I held the candles, and my father walking in, asking me whether I missed Lolo and Lola. I nodded yes, and he said something like, "I'm glad that you miss them." I never truly understood what he meant until this past visit.
