Defining Myself

Last weekend was my cousin's wedding. It was a pretty big event. My mother and her four siblings and mother (my grandmother/Lola), had a nice family reunion with all but two of the grandchildren present- 14 grandchildren all together, along with our spouses and children. My mom's cousin and her children were there, too. It was awesome. We flew in from all over the world to be there. Some of us had not seen each other in over 10 years, probably since my wedding. For others, it had been much longer. Needless to say, our lives had changed quite a bit. My little cousins who had been my flower girl and ring bearers at my wedding were all grown up. My other cousins had children, as I did, and our children were all meeting for the first time ever. My aunts and uncles had aged quite a bit, but remained just as wonderful as always. It was just awesome how we all got together again, and things just flowed. Surprisingly, there were no petty squabbles, no big blowouts, no emotional breakdowns (none visible, anyway); just a couple of high stress wedding moments (what? there aren't any seats at Table 10 for Mr. and Mrs. Jones? And the Smith's brought whom?), a couple of tears, big smiles, lots of laughter, a lot of booze, then more (and louder) laughter, and some great times.

I had previously posted about how worried I was taking the kids on the plane. It turned out to be just fine. Our daughter slept for most of the flight, while our son kept himself entertained with various books, toys, and activities. I had put together backpacks for each of them with paper, crayons, markers (the Crayola's Color Wonder Mess Free markers worked great, especially at the rehearsal dinner where the table cloths were white), lip balm, sunglasses, snacks, and a special toy for each of them. They were excited about their stuff, and I had a much lighter carry-on (never mind that my husband and I carried the little backpacks the majority of the time). The one thing I had not anticipated was that they both wanted the window seat. Yikes. We only had one window seat among the four of us. Luckily, my son was eventually agreeable to switching seats with his sister; then, she fell asleep in the prized seat. Go figure.

After our flight, we arrived at the hotel and immediately hit the beach. My son enjoyed searching for shells, while my daughter got to go in the ocean water for the first time in her little life. They had a great time. The water was warm enough for them to go in. We brought back lots of shells that now live throughout our house.

The wedding itself was beautiful. I'll admit, I have seen enough weddings that I don't get all choked up anymore (oh, Canon in D, how nice. Ave Maria? We played that at our wedding. Oh, and is that the First Letter of Paul to the Corinthians, again?). But I did have my moment of weakness while standing in the vestibule. As the procession began, I remained in the back to help the kids: my son was the ring bearer and my daughter and niece were the flower girls. As my son started to walk down the aisle pillow in hand, my eyes began to well up and I felt a big lump in my throat. He proceeded down the aisle like the perfect little gentleman that he is. Then it was the flower girls' turn. The welling up that had started was now streaming down my face. I was so proud of how well they did and how beautiful they were. The rest of the wedding went pretty uneventfully. My daughter used her "WHISPERING VOICE," that could be heard in the back row of the church, to her brother across the aisle every once in a while. It was very entertaining.

The matriarch of the family, my Lola, seemed thrilled to have all of us there for the weekend. She was still very active -danced a couple of songs, drank a glass of wine- but was definitely slower than before. The day after the wedding, we all gathered at my aunt's house for a family reunion. After we all ate (boy, did we eat), our Lola gathered all the grandchildren and great-grandchildren around as she sat at the head of the dinner table. She called us up one at a time (along with our respective spouses) and presented us each with an envelope, and we had our pictures taken with her. My husband and I had been the first ones to be called (I am the oldest grandchild), then each of my children. I could barely contain my tears when I realized what she was doing. She was giving away her savings, getting ready to leave this world. I quietly left the room for a moment to shed some tears, then returned to watch the rest of my cousins receive their envelopes. It was truly amazing to have us all there in one room. My grandmother seemed so happy and proud.

Coming back to work was rather difficult for me. After spending the weekend with family -with those that care about us unconditionally, it was hard to return to residency, where no one really cares about us as individuals, where we are there merely to make work easier for others around us, where our personal lives are meaningless to those for which we work, where our efforts are rarely appreciated by our patients, supervisors, and nurses. Maybe it is not always as bleak as this, but it is in stark contrast to the family closeness of last week.

The trip has definitely put things into perspective for me. Before the trip, I was feeling bad about myself because of things that were happening at work. Now, I see where my real place in life is: as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, and friend. Not to diminish my role as a physician and co-worker, but those roles are secondary to my other roles the majority of the time. Certainly, I believe that I have made a commitment to my patients to be the best physician I can be, and when I'm at the hospital, my patients are my priority. But while I strive to be a good physician, it will never be at the expense of my self-worth as a person.