Compassionate Friends

It is the end of the summer, and I have mixed feelings about the start of a new school year. I truly enjoyed spending, "chillaxing," time with the kids -without the rigorous schedule of school and homework and extracurricular activities. But at the same time, I look forward to the return to our schedule, our routine, and some level of predictability. It was a very nice summer, but exhausting. We took trips to the beach, went to sporting events, concerts, and played lots of tennis. We spent time with family and friends, and met some new people along the way. The kids had a lot of fun. Although I had fun along with them, my joy was mixed with lots of sadness.

It's been nine months since my sister's death. While my day-to-day life has been tolerable, the passing seasons have deepened my grief over losing her. I have thought to myself, "She never got to see how rainy this past spring was," or "We didn't get to spend time with her at the beach this summer." We had birthdays, anniversaries, and other milestones, during which her presence was so very much missed. My mother became ill during this time, and although she is now doing well, I worried that she would lose the will to become better because my sister was not here anymore. I became a Godmother this summer for the second time; my Goddaughter's older sister is my sister's Goddaughter. Oh, how nice would it have been to share the baby's baptism day with my sister.

I have met some new people this summer. There are times when I am among my new acquaintances, and think, "They didn't know me before I lost my sister. How would they really know who I really am?" There is something about spending time with those who have known me since before my sister died. I feel that they understand that I am a different person now; that I will always have a sadness within me; that a part of me has died; that I look at life from a different perspective now. I truly cherish my friends and family with whom I can mourn. Although we all mourn differently, we understand that we are all in mourning, that there is a part of us that is empty inside because she is no longer with us, and this is, oddly enough, comforting.

One friend suggested that I attend a meeting of The Compassionate Friends, a support group for those mourning the loss of a child or sibling, whose motto is, "You are not alone.". While I was very eager to attend immediately after my sister died, I am more hesitant now that more time has passed. I wonder if I am still allowed to grieve, if I am entitled to the same kind of support that others receive, if I truly need the support. Crazy, but true- I have thought all these things. In my mind, I know that I DO need the support, that I AM entitled to some support, and that YES, I AM allowed to grieve. But emotionally, I don't know. I am waiting until I am, "ready," to attend the support meeting.

So while I await my readiness to attend a Compassionate Friends meeting (which I sincerely intend to attend), I take comfort in all the compassionate friends whose friendship and support have gotten me and my family through the past 9 sorrowful months. I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. The notes and cards and messages you have sent have been so touching. Just asking how we are doing means so much to me. And even when we don't talk about my sister, knowing that you are there, that you know, means more to me than you'll ever know.

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