Precious Time

Has it really been 2 years since my last post???? Time seems to be moving faster. The children are both in double digit ages (yikes!). My husband and I have been married 18 years, and I love him more now than I ever have. I have a new beautiful neice who has been the bright light in our family. I made partner in my group. I turned 40 years old and have hit my midlife crisis, but happy anyway. Somehow, I got old. Today, I attended the funeral of a colleague’s adult son. We are all so saddened by this tragedy. Naturally, I am reminded of my family’s own loss from three years ago. There is an awkwardness that comes with attending the funeral. Many don't know what to say, what to wear, how to act. What is the right thing to do? My memory of that time surrounding my sister’s death and funeral is all a blur. I don’t remember what people wore, what day they came to visit, what kind of flowers they sent, even what people said or wrote. What I do remember is that people were there; that they flew in or drove in through the snow fall; that those who couldn’t make it reached out to us by sending cards, flowers, emails, messages, and prayers. What I do remember is how they made us feel loved and supported. That is what made such an impression on me. So if you ever find yourself attending memorial services, and don't know what to do, remember the wise words of Maya Angelou: “People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Spring Break, Cake Pops, and other Pleasures in Life

Wow, I did not realize until today how long it had been since I last posted. The rest of of winter flew by, amidst many, many, snowy snow storms. In between shoveling ourselves out of snow, we did have a nice winter, early spring. The kids are now 10 and 7, and keeping our calendars pretty filled. Hubby and I took them to our nation's capital ( a place I think every American should be obligated to visit) during the Spring Break. We were able to incorporate what they were learning in school with our sightseeing. For example, our daughter had just learned about Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speech, made from the Lincoln Memorial, so my daughter was really looking forward to going to the Lincoln Memorial to look for the stone upon which MLK Jr stood when he made the famous, "I have a dream," speech. After walking up and across nearly every step of the Lincoln Memorial ( and down some) we finally found it (see above). The kids really enjoyed the trip, AND they learned a thing or two about American history (just don't tell them that!).I have so enjoyed spending time with them and learning along side with them. Their sense of curiosity and adventure at this stage have truly renewed my own desire to learn ( and re-learn) more.

The weather is warmer now and we are preparing for our Easter. The Easter Bunny has made the baskets and put them away for safe keeping. A lovely Easter surprise came in the mail for us today. Our good friend Cake Pop Mama (that's not her real name btw) sent us special treats. She started making cake pops for fun, and is now venturing into business. They are truly beautiful pieces of artwork. Although I have not yet tasted on (as I have given up sweets for Lent), I can vouch that she is a wonderful cook and baker. She has combined her talent for baking with her creative, artistic side, and created true masterpieces. Here is a link to her blog: http://www.cakepopmama.com/. She has photos of her beautiful creations and wonderful stories to go along with them. Check it out!

Well, gotta go get some eggs ready for dying. No matter what your religious (or non-religious) preferences, may this spring season be filled with a sense of renewal, hope, and beauty for you all!

A New Year's Prayer

I approached the end of 2010 with mixed feelings. 2010 sucked for me and my family, so I am glad to see it go, but the new year also marks us moving away from the newness of my sister's death, something that I am reluctant to do. Our lives have moved on, and in some ways life is easier. But the pain, when it resurfaces, hurts so damn much. And unlike when my sister had first died, my bouts of sadness now are unexpected to those around me. They just seem to come out of nowhere. Last year, when my sister walked into one of our parties, she said, "Ooh . . . there's Map's lasagna. I have been waiting for this. I even took extra insulin." So when I was in the middle of constructing my lasagna this past holiday season, I broke down into tears, sobbing over the counter top. And when people asked me what my plans were for New Year's Eve, I had to hold back my tears, and quickly change the subject.

But a new year it is, and although I am currently resisting any active attempts to break free from the cloud of sorrow that envelopes me, I do have faith that one day soon, I will willingly rejoin the human race. I am just giving myself a little time to be sad, and be okay with it.

In the meantime, I want to share this prayer that a friend of mine, Jim Smith, shared with me today. Be well . . .

May God make your year a happy one!

Not by shielding you from all sorrows and pain,

But by strengthening you to bear it, as it comes;

Not by making your path easy,

But by making you sturdy to travel any path;

Not by taking hardships from you,

But by taking fear from your heart;

Not by granting you unbroken sunshine,

But by keeping your face bright, even in the shadows;

Not by making your life always pleasant,

But by showing you when people and their causes need you most,

and by making you anxious to be there to help.

God's love, peace, hope, and joy to you for the year ahead.

Compassionate Friends

It is the end of the summer, and I have mixed feelings about the start of a new school year. I truly enjoyed spending, "chillaxing," time with the kids -without the rigorous schedule of school and homework and extracurricular activities. But at the same time, I look forward to the return to our schedule, our routine, and some level of predictability. It was a very nice summer, but exhausting. We took trips to the beach, went to sporting events, concerts, and played lots of tennis. We spent time with family and friends, and met some new people along the way. The kids had a lot of fun. Although I had fun along with them, my joy was mixed with lots of sadness.

It's been nine months since my sister's death. While my day-to-day life has been tolerable, the passing seasons have deepened my grief over losing her. I have thought to myself, "She never got to see how rainy this past spring was," or "We didn't get to spend time with her at the beach this summer." We had birthdays, anniversaries, and other milestones, during which her presence was so very much missed. My mother became ill during this time, and although she is now doing well, I worried that she would lose the will to become better because my sister was not here anymore. I became a Godmother this summer for the second time; my Goddaughter's older sister is my sister's Goddaughter. Oh, how nice would it have been to share the baby's baptism day with my sister.

I have met some new people this summer. There are times when I am among my new acquaintances, and think, "They didn't know me before I lost my sister. How would they really know who I really am?" There is something about spending time with those who have known me since before my sister died. I feel that they understand that I am a different person now; that I will always have a sadness within me; that a part of me has died; that I look at life from a different perspective now. I truly cherish my friends and family with whom I can mourn. Although we all mourn differently, we understand that we are all in mourning, that there is a part of us that is empty inside because she is no longer with us, and this is, oddly enough, comforting.

One friend suggested that I attend a meeting of The Compassionate Friends, a support group for those mourning the loss of a child or sibling, whose motto is, "You are not alone.". While I was very eager to attend immediately after my sister died, I am more hesitant now that more time has passed. I wonder if I am still allowed to grieve, if I am entitled to the same kind of support that others receive, if I truly need the support. Crazy, but true- I have thought all these things. In my mind, I know that I DO need the support, that I AM entitled to some support, and that YES, I AM allowed to grieve. But emotionally, I don't know. I am waiting until I am, "ready," to attend the support meeting.

So while I await my readiness to attend a Compassionate Friends meeting (which I sincerely intend to attend), I take comfort in all the compassionate friends whose friendship and support have gotten me and my family through the past 9 sorrowful months. I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. The notes and cards and messages you have sent have been so touching. Just asking how we are doing means so much to me. And even when we don't talk about my sister, knowing that you are there, that you know, means more to me than you'll ever know.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128977776&sc=emaf
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128977776&sc=emaf

50 X 50

My friend L made up a, "Forty by Forty," list of forty things she wants to do by the time she turns forty. After my sister died, I copied L and started my own list. But I only have a few months until my fortieth birthday (gulp), so I modified my list to fifty things I want to do by the time I am fifty. Today, I finally have fifty items on the list. Here it is. I would love to get some feedback. I may expand it to a, "Sixty by Sixty," list if more items come up. Some items have been taken off the list, but may find their way back. And I'm not sure how, "accomplishable," some of my current items are, so we'll see.

TRAVEL
1) Take a trip with my HS girlfriends
2) Attend all four Grand Slam tennis tournaments
3) Attend a March Madness game
4) Go to the Final Four
5) Go to Vegas
6) Take a spontaneous weekend trip overseas
7) Take a trip with each of my children alone
8) Take a trip with my husband alone
9) Travel to Greece
10) Cruise to Alaska
11) Take the kids to Disney World

CHARITY
12) Work in a soup kitchen
13) Take part in a medical mission
14) Do something charitable, anonymously


RELATIONSHIPS
15) Write hand written letters to my children
16) Pay @ least one complement a day
17) Host a party to which I invite everyone I like
18) Talk to my parents everyday
19) Talk to a girlfriend every week



SPORTS/FITNESS
20) White water rafting
21) Ride a horse
22) Go fishing
23) Learn to ride a bike
24) Go to a Yankees game
25) Play a USTA tournament
26) Jump out of a plane
27) Pole dance
28) Learn how to surf
29) Have six pack abs and non-flabby arms
30) Run a 10 K
31) Run a half marathon


ENTERTAINMENT/CULTURE
32) San Gennaro Festival
33) See Jersey Boys
34) Sing karaoke in public
35) Re-read Pride and Prejudice
36) Read the Harry Potter series
37) Watch Casablanca
38) Take piano lessons


MISCELLANEOUS
39) Get a colonoscopy
40) Consult a psychic
41) Come up with an original recipe for something both my kids like
42) Have something named after me
43) Do something drastic with my hair
44) Get fitted for a personal wardrobe
45) Get my Masters in Library Science
46) Write a will
47) Eat pizza in Brooklyn
48) Get fitted for the right bra
49) Watch a sunrise
50) Watch a sunset

I Quit

. . . Facebook. I have mixed feelings about it because I connected with so many great friends, and it was so easy to touch base with everyone. Facebook is like a big house party, where individuals are able to come and go as they please. But in recent months, I just haven't felt like joining the party. I miss my sister so much, and going on Facebook constantly reminds me of her. I actually like being reminded of her, but not in the setting of Facebook. I'm not sure if it makes sense to anyone, but it didn't feel right being on Facebook anymore. I had nothing to post on my status that didn't have anything to do with her and the pain I am feeling. And my comments just wouldn't fit in. I wanted to keep most of my posts upbeat because Facebook didn't seem like the place to bring everyone down. I did announce my sister's death on Facebook as a way to notify friends that I keep in touch with primarily through Facebook. But I just didn't want to bring everyone else down. It didn't sit well with me reading people post complaints about head colds or talking about how busy they are or insulting other people. I actually had one, "friend" post about how proud he was that he displayed some road rage at a woman in an SUV who had, "cut him off." Really? Is that what Facebook is for? I guess for some people, it is. So it's time for me to leave the party.

Some of my Favorite Quotes

"If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins."
Benjamin Franklin

"To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well." John Marshall

..."I conceive that the great part of the miseries of mankind are brought upon them by false estimates they have made of the value of things."
Benjamin Franklin

"Faith is not a pill you take, but a muscle you use. Faith draws the poison from grief, takes the sting from loss, and quenches the fire of pain."
Jim Smith

"To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To give of one's self;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
To have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived —
This is to have succeeded."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bless you, my darling, and remember you are always in the heart - oh tucked so close there is no chance of escape - of your sister.
-- Katherine Mansfield